Mindful Health
What Are You Really Feeding?
A Difficult Start: Body Image and Adolescence
When I was in 8th grade, I was repulsed by my body. I remember seeing a picture of myself in a bathing suit with stretch marks along my waist. A wave of self-loathing washed over me.
Late that year, in gym class, we learned to measure body fat percentage. My graph put me just above the dreaded “obese” line. My face flushed with shame. I covered my worksheet, hoping no one would see.
During my socio-historical-psychological moment of adolescence, fat meant shame. One of the many things I admire about Gen Z is a conscious effort to embrace all body types (at least among progressives). Unfortunately that wasn’t my experience.
Transformation and Its Limits
At 14, with my mom’s help, I radically changed my health. She worked at Weight Watchers (rip) and taught me how to track what I ate. I biked country roads for miles, and one day realized, “Wow, I’m one of those people who bikes.” I lost 50 pounds between 9th and 10th grade. Alone one afternoon that summer, I ran around the yard in my new body like Forrest Gump, feeling light and free.
But even after this transformation, negative body image lingered. Decades later, I still feel self-conscious at the pool, my shoulders caving in as if to hide myself.
Food as a Doorway to Self-Knowing
In her book Mindful Eating, Mindful Life, Dr. Mary Ann Iyer describes the emotional power of eating. When we are infants, food is often how we are soothed. As we grow older, our relationship to food becomes more complex. It is used to congratulate (let’s celebrate your win with a pizza!), create connection (let’s spend time together and get ice cream!), and punishment (go to your room without supper!).
So it’s natural that strong emotions would cue us toward food later in life. To paraphrase folksinger Greg Brown, “we drink to celebrate the spring, we drink to mourn the fall.”
We get a latte to commemorate good news. We punish ourselves for overeating (sometimes by eating the ENTIRE bag of salt and vinegar chips). We use food to draw people close to us. We buy food that reminds us of who we are (“I’m a BBQ guy.”), or that provides evidence of who we want to be (“I’ll only eat organic.”).
In this way, food is a doorway to self-knowing. You can assume that you (mostly subconsciously) connect food to things like self-worth, self-image, and self-esteem. So if you’re looking for clues about how to deepen your inner wellness, start paying attention to your relationship with food.
What Are You Really Feeding?
If you want to deepen your inner wellness, start by paying attention to your relationship with food. Dr. Iyer’s compassionate questions can help:
What is it you’re really feeding?
What would be most nourishing to you?
Try reflecting on these questions the next time you reach for a snack or plan a meal. Notice what’s happening inside—emotionally and physically.
Check out this guided meditation inspired by Dr. Iyer’s teachings.
An Ongoing Journey
Looking back, I see my struggles with food and alcohol are connected to anxiety and a lack of self-love. With the support of family and friends, I’ve radically improved my health—twice. But as an introvert, much of this journey has been solitary.
How about you? How has your relationship with food, exercise, and self-image shaped your wellbeing? What are you really feeding? Share your experience in the comments—I’d love to hear your story.